Friday The 13th: It’s A Decent Franchise, Basically

Posted in Films, Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2008 by gothicusmaximus

News of the upcoming Friday The 13th remake has spurred a rather vitriolic reaction in the fans of Jason Vorhees’ sanguinary saga, so intense in some that their righteous fury has stripped them of all but the most basic communicative faculties:  

The compulsion I experienced to enter into this intellectual dialogue was powerful beyond my ability to resist, but to parry these eloquently articulated, meticulously formulated opinions, I was forced to mount, with the aid of my younger brother, a two-pronged attack of sorts.

Will the inevitable Chinatown remake be produced by Michael Bay as this film is? I don’t know, but what I do know is: franchise. 

– Gothicus Maximus

Ghosts: The Most Depressing Belief One Can Possibly Maintain

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 14, 2008 by gothicusmaximus

Indisputably, nearly all human societies throughout history have demonstrated a fascination with the idea that, subsequent to the death of a given individual’s body, the spirit or ethereal essence of that individual might somehow linger on Earth. That this fascination persists among denizens of the contemporary west is attested by the existence of that Patrick Swayze movie, paramountly stupid reality television franchise Ghost Hunters, the supernatural docudramas that dominate the comprise the bulk of the Biography channel’s programing, and Casper The Friendly Ghost; the purpose of this entry is to inquire as to the reason for which this is true. I caution you, readers, to not expect this dissertation to end in a resolution of this curiosity, as treatises that begin with a question often do, as I genuinely have no idea why any human being would feel delighted by the prospect that ghosts exist.  

I understand entirely the allure of a belief in heaven, for the idea that life possesses some inherent objective is naturally alluring to human beings. I can even grasp from where proceeds the concept of hell, as once the foresaid objective has been accepted, the question regarding what happens when it is unfulfilled must naturally be addressed; also, organized religious movements have, over the course of centuries, come to realize that the instillment of mortal fear is the most effective conversion technique. The appeal of faith in ghosts, however, consistently eludes me, for even if the existence of such spirits was supported by a wealth of incontrovertible evidence, I’d imagine it to be a vulgar subject unmentionable in polite company.

We enact, throughout our lives, petty, asinine behaviors, to the primary end of distracting ourselves from the brevity of our tenures on this planet and the reality of our irrelevance in the scope of all time, and are, in turn, subjected to the petty, asinine behaviors that others enact to the primary end of distracting themselves from the brevity of their tenures on this planet and the reality of their irrelevance in the scope of all time. That human life is even peripherally bearable is accountable to the prospect of vast wealth, the possibility of fame, and sex, all of which are essentially denied to the ghost by its very nature, and thus the notion that, upon death, one might become a ghost can be extrapolated to the conclusion that one might be made victim of the petty, asinine behaviors of one’s fellow man long after one has lost all reason to react to these behaviors in any manner but to say “fuck this shit”. If the motivation of those phantoms who throw knives and scrawl “GET OUT” on the walls of homes in ectoplasmic blood is still a mystery, I submit that I may possess some valuable insight. 

There exist, to my knowledge, no standardized criteria by which whether a deceased person will live on as a ghost can be determined. The widely held premise seems to be that anyone could, virtually at random, be condemned to a pale mockery of life devoid of those few contingencies that occasionally render our time in this world to be marginally pleasant. Nevertheless, bewilderingly, a considerable number of people exhibit a desire see this proposition validated as truth– if anyone among my readership is able to put forth an answer as to why, consider this my attempt to elicit it. 

– Gothicus Maximus

I improve the recruitment strategies of revolutionary political movements, with castles

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 10, 2008 by gothicusmaximus

As I am not only a denizen of New York City, but one who gravitates toward punk rock shows, I have been, in my time, petitioned by many proponents of radical political ideologies, handed many a free-paper concisely delineating the cause to which those men and women have pledged themselves. While I have personally never been impelled to take up the banner of insurrection, as, given that I am subsisting to my satisfaction under the present American constitution, to do so would require me to manifest compassion for strangers when I barely care about people I personally know, I have resolved, in my near boundless generosity, to endeavor to offer these admirably dogged insurgents some wisdom.

My main qualm with political systems focused on egalitarianism and the elimination of class stratification, one I imagine to be shared by many other men and women of the modern world, is that communal ownership of the means of production and the equal distribution of the resources yielded through these means will likely interfere in my possession of nice things. For a man whose primary ambition is to be lord of a castle, “from each according to his ability, from each according to his need” is essentially a four letter word. Although today’s disciples of Marx, Bakunin, and Proudhon must recognize that I absorb their freepaper’s illustrations before I do their words, those images are consistently depictions of spartan farms and squalid factories. I’m expected to betray the pledge of allegiance I was forced to make, every day of my elementary school career, to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands so I can live on a lame, shitty farm? Take a big step back, comrade.

After puzzling over this predicament for some time, the solution dawned upon me, beautiful in its simplicity. COMMUNAL CASTLES. Offer me the chance to live in a castle, and I’ll sign up to participate in a communist experiment faster than one can say “Workers of the World, Unite!”. I wouldn’t even be horribly averse to sharing my citadel, as even within a capitalist economic model, the manor would also be occupied by servants. Put a kickass gothic tower on the cover of a pamphlet instead of some ramshackle huts, and I guarantee the glacial rate of the populace’s radicalization will grow exponentially.   

Take notes, Crimethinc.com. 

– Gothicus Maximus

A little glass vial?

Posted in Films, Goth Shit, Horror, Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 8, 2008 by gothicusmaximus

That four days have passed since my last updated might suggest that I’ve forgotten about the legion of devoted readers for whose satisfaction I am responsible, but allow me to allay any suspicion that this is the case. I’ve just started a new job and will be beginning my sophomore year of college in a few weeks, and therefore I will be unable to post to OMGABAT with the frequency my immense following may have become conditioned to expect. Rest assured, however, this change will not be dramatic– I pledge that only very rarely will three days pass without my rendering an entry of some kind, and never will a pause in activity exceed a week’s length.

Today, I feel compelled to call the public’s attention to the upcoming release of a screen musical titled Repo!: The Genetic Opera. Articulating an explanation as to why anyone should care about any screen musical is a daunting task, but if anyone can carry out that task, I can.

I trust that the majority of individuals who posses a reasonable familiarity with contemporary cinema have experienced the exhilarating sensation of utter astonishment induced in a film’s audience when that film introduces a certain actor, song, or oblique reference in a context in which he, she, or it seems gloriously out-of-place, the sensation inspired by a young Clint Eastwood’s small role in Revenge of the Creature, or by David Duchovny’s voiceover work on the video game Thirteen. I project that Repo!: The Genetic Opera will embody the quintessence of this feeling. The following trailer will corroborate my assertion:

Less than a second into the preview, we observe that this rock opera is produced by Twisted Pictures, the enterprise responsible for gore-porn franchise Saw. Repeat the end of that sentence to yourselves: “this rock opera is produced by Twisted Pictures, the enterprise responsible for gore-porn franchise ‘Saw'”.  Even before the girl from Spy Kids appears, I’m shitting bricks.

Astoundingly, former child star Alexa Vega is the member of this cast least likely to elicit an audible ” ‘the fuck?”. Anthony Stewart Head of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame attempts growling vocals and dons on a glowing helmet. Andrew Lloyd Webber’s ex-wife and originator of The Phantom of the Opera‘s lead female role, Sarah Brightman, conceals an alabaster face with a goffik hood. Nivek Ogre of seminal industrial band Skinny Puppy, singing opposite venerable horror player Bill Moseley, has someone else’s face paper-clipped to his. Though this was difficult for me to determine at first due the black wig she wears, the woman who conducts a drug deal with a man as he is ensconced within a dumpster is, in fact, Paris Hilton, whose appearance in this film nearly seems the result of some divinity’s sense of humor, as I can’t conceive of any reason for which anyone would involve themselves in Repo! The Genetic Opera beyond genuine interest or desperation, neither of which I imagine to be an influence on that particular wealthy heiress. Moreover, as goth as I am, I must note that David J and Daniel Ash of Bauhaus contributed to sound production.  

I suppose most would consider me remiss were I not to provide some elucidation as to this movie’s plot, but I’d rather just refer my readers to more absurdity: 

Check out that overdubbing on Paris. Hopefully, that this picture is only screening in a few theatres will prevent related merchandise from being sold at Hot Topic, so that I can still love it and be cool at the same time.

-Gothicus Maximus

PARTY TIME

Posted in Films, Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 3, 2008 by gothicusmaximus

In my extensive travels throughout cyberspace, I have encountered many a disturbing spectacle, but no to which I have yet borne witness can rival the expressible atrocity embodied in a particular four minute excerpt from director Camillo Teti’s 2001 work, Titanic: The Animated Movie. Yes, a cartoon feature, intended for children, based on what is perhaps history’s greatest maritime tragedy. This notion in itself is problematically ambitious, but not inherently flawed– I can conceive of a movie that treats the events in question with sufficient respect while retaining the capacity to entertain children. Teti, however, chooses to pursue an entirely different direction, one involving dogs that rap.

If I recall, the Titanic’s fateful voyage took place in 1912, which fact would indicate that our canine best friends are the true founders of Hip-Hop. Even beyond the disarmingly stupid idea that a movie about the Titanic should feature a dog performing an impossibly inane song in a style that would not emerge until at least 50 years from the time of the events the film depicts, the animation itself is abysmal at best and genuinely frightening at worst, exemplified by the inexplicably mexican banjo-playing mice, the poster reading “Rap Music” adhered to the brick wall before which characters suddenly appear at random, and particularly those eyes at around 1:28. 

To accentuate the discrepancy between Teti’s attitude and the nature of the subject he’s chosen to tackle, and in part for my own perverse amusement, I took the liberty of juxtaposing “Party Time” with a few scenes from James Cameron’s 1997 live-action Titanic, a somewhat more tactful piece of historical fiction.  

Even still, the most harrowing aspect of Party Time is not the horridness of the content itself, but rather that its existence deprives me of the ability to ignore the possibility that, within my lifetime, I may witness 9/11: The Animated Movie.

– Gothicus Maximus

Remember what I said yesterday about financial responsibility?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 2, 2008 by gothicusmaximus

Roughly 24 hours and 15 dollars later, I am officially the owner of OMGABAT.com. I figure this is excusable as I don’t smoke, and am therefore entitled to spend money more liberally than those who maintain such an expensive habit. Nevertheless, I am not totally at ease, for somehow when I type OMGABAT.com into google, the search engine incorrectly informs me that no such domain exists, which complication is interfering in my ability to fully enjoy this purchase. I would greatly appreciate any insight into the source of and possible solutions to this vexing problem.

-Gothicus Maximus

I would gladly trade my copy of Halo 3 to own Imagic’s Dracula for Intellivision

Posted in Dracula, Video Games with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 1, 2008 by gothicusmaximus

Those bold souls who actually read this blog on a consistent basis might recall that, as an addendum to the post I authored in anticipation of Castlevania Judgment, I conceptualized a video game in playing which one assumes the role of Count Dracula as he roams the streets of Victorian London and preys upon the denizens thereof. As a result of my ignorance in regard to video game history, I neglected to note that this concept is not utterly unprecedented. In 1983, the now-defunct peddler of electronic entertainment Imagic released Dracula for the Intellivision console, a game whose player controls the eponymous vampire as he goes about his nightly feeding. Behold:

Whoever directed the Photoshoot for this cover clearly didn’t waste resources on models, he seems to have just grabbed a middle schooler off the street on Halloween. 

Dracula’s gameplay demonstrates a simplicity characteristic of yesteryear’s video games. The count moves along a linear path, encountering as he does so joggers whom he must bite in order to satiate his bloodlust and policemen whom he must avoid by means of transforming into a bat, for they apparently possess the ability to end the preternaturally mighty warlord’s reign of terror with their nightsticks. After a period of near total freedom to wreak mayhem, the sun begins to rise, and Dracula must race the dawn, represented as a white wolf in a manner I daresay honors the expressionist tradition of F.W. Murnau’s Nosferatu, to the safety of his coffin.

A few screen captures:

A palpable terror radiates from the Count’s prospective victim here. 

 

Is this the Dracula/White Fang crossover about which I’ve had wet dreams? Or perhaps a precognition of White-Wolf game studio, who years later would produce Vampire: The Masquerade?

 

Birds will apparently swoop from the sky and attempt to eat Dracula while he’s in bat form. So much for command of nature’s meaner beasts.

This game, along with an Intellivision console on which to play it, officially occupies a position on the OMG A BAT holiday wishlist. Even should my readers unanimously choose to be lousy friends and not devote considerable time and monetary resources to procuring video game machines that haven’t been carried by retailers since the late 80’s in order to entertain me for an hour and a half, I am resolved to eventually play Dracula, regardless of whatever expense might be required to do so, for I have no sense of financial responsibility. 

-Gothicus Maximus